I am Struggling | That's How I'm Doing
I have been feeling beyond frustrated, and now I just want to take to the blogosphere to express this frustration and agitation with the world because I know I am not alone.
I feel grubby, I feel gross. I feel lost, I am in limbo. I feel lost in limbo and I am struggling to get out. This feeling is going on for too damn long, and I am well and truly sick of it.
As many of you already know, I have had my fair share of mental health issues in the past. Some of you may not know that these issues started at a very young age. I am surrounded by people my age, who are going through the shit that I went through when I was 10/11/13 etc. I am at the latter end of the shit stick. I bloomed early.
Because I was an early bloomer, I am called mature, every damn day. If I had a euro for every time someone misjudged my age because I seem 'so mature', I would be a bloody billionaire. Well guess what, maturity doesn't necessarily come with age. Maturity develops as a result of life experience, and boy have I had some pretty interesting life experiences to say the least.
The details of this can be dedicated to another post, but when people think I am mature, they think I have my life straight, set out, ready to go. I assure you, it is not. I might be better off for my experiences, and have a more level head, but sometimes I just want to 'act my age' and do stupid stuff without feeling guilty. My inner monologue is always telling me I am better than what I am doing. Sure, knowing that I am worth much more than what I practice is a good thing in one sense, but when it niggles at every little thing you do, it can paralyze you in your path.
I have come to a point where I feel I need to make an overhaul on my lifestyle. I need to make a whole new skin regime as my skin is changing now that I am not in my teens. I need to sort my diet out as I am the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life, and I am so unhappy about it. I feel frumpy, unsettled, like I am just existing and floating through life. I am floating, day to day, not doing a damn thing. I don't feel like I am living. I want to live my best life.
I feel under-motivated, uninspired, unexcited. I have ambition. I know what I want to do each day, but it's as if my body and mind just will not let me do these things. I am sitting in my room, surrounded my clutter and mess. Between my half-unpacked overnight bag, my uniform splayed across my unmade bed because I would rather not touch it, and all of the things that I love and cherish just thrown into the mess, I feel like my life is not in tune with my desires, hopes, dreams, ambitions.
I understand I am only 20 and that I am only on the road of hopes, dreams, ambitions, but I am stuck at a crossroads and I have been sitting here for far too long. I used to be a busy bee, you couldn't stop me. Go, go, go! All day, every day. I no longer feel energized. I want that back. I am held back by the my conscience asking me, is this the right step forward? Is this what you really want to do? Is this gonna help you? Is this going to make you feel any better? I get caught up in analyzing the activity and never follow through. This is why I sat down to write this blog post today, to get it down in writing, and share it with you all, because I am not alone, and we are in this together.
I'm a planner, a lister, an organiser. I am going to organise my life, plan out my days and list my ambitions and goals, and clean my damn act up. Making my own decisions is hard. Being an independent adult is hard. Doing whatever I want is hard, because it's not always what I really want in the long run. I am figuring it all out, and it's not that easy.
I am a white, middle-class, feminist millennial. I have privilege. And what? You think I shouldn't use it? That's who I am. I have ambition and fight, I have determination and fervor, and I'm going to use it. Don't you think I wont.
This has been a generalized rant, which may well be followed up with some specified rants in the future.
I feel grubby, I feel gross. I feel lost, I am in limbo. I feel lost in limbo and I am struggling to get out. This feeling is going on for too damn long, and I am well and truly sick of it.
As many of you already know, I have had my fair share of mental health issues in the past. Some of you may not know that these issues started at a very young age. I am surrounded by people my age, who are going through the shit that I went through when I was 10/11/13 etc. I am at the latter end of the shit stick. I bloomed early.
Because I was an early bloomer, I am called mature, every damn day. If I had a euro for every time someone misjudged my age because I seem 'so mature', I would be a bloody billionaire. Well guess what, maturity doesn't necessarily come with age. Maturity develops as a result of life experience, and boy have I had some pretty interesting life experiences to say the least.
The details of this can be dedicated to another post, but when people think I am mature, they think I have my life straight, set out, ready to go. I assure you, it is not. I might be better off for my experiences, and have a more level head, but sometimes I just want to 'act my age' and do stupid stuff without feeling guilty. My inner monologue is always telling me I am better than what I am doing. Sure, knowing that I am worth much more than what I practice is a good thing in one sense, but when it niggles at every little thing you do, it can paralyze you in your path.
I feel stuck.
I have come to a point where I feel I need to make an overhaul on my lifestyle. I need to make a whole new skin regime as my skin is changing now that I am not in my teens. I need to sort my diet out as I am the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life, and I am so unhappy about it. I feel frumpy, unsettled, like I am just existing and floating through life. I am floating, day to day, not doing a damn thing. I don't feel like I am living. I want to live my best life.
I feel under-motivated, uninspired, unexcited. I have ambition. I know what I want to do each day, but it's as if my body and mind just will not let me do these things. I am sitting in my room, surrounded my clutter and mess. Between my half-unpacked overnight bag, my uniform splayed across my unmade bed because I would rather not touch it, and all of the things that I love and cherish just thrown into the mess, I feel like my life is not in tune with my desires, hopes, dreams, ambitions.
I understand I am only 20 and that I am only on the road of hopes, dreams, ambitions, but I am stuck at a crossroads and I have been sitting here for far too long. I used to be a busy bee, you couldn't stop me. Go, go, go! All day, every day. I no longer feel energized. I want that back. I am held back by the my conscience asking me, is this the right step forward? Is this what you really want to do? Is this gonna help you? Is this going to make you feel any better? I get caught up in analyzing the activity and never follow through. This is why I sat down to write this blog post today, to get it down in writing, and share it with you all, because I am not alone, and we are in this together.
I'm a planner, a lister, an organiser. I am going to organise my life, plan out my days and list my ambitions and goals, and clean my damn act up. Making my own decisions is hard. Being an independent adult is hard. Doing whatever I want is hard, because it's not always what I really want in the long run. I am figuring it all out, and it's not that easy.
I am a white, middle-class, feminist millennial. I have privilege. And what? You think I shouldn't use it? That's who I am. I have ambition and fight, I have determination and fervor, and I'm going to use it. Don't you think I wont.
This has been a generalized rant, which may well be followed up with some specified rants in the future.
Stay true, keep on keepin' on!
Thanks for reading
xoxo
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