Struggles with Mental Health, College and Blogging

As I am sure many of you have noticed, my blog goes through phases of frequent posting, to silent months on end. I wish this wasn't the case, but sadly, that's how the cookie crumbled.

Some of you who know me well enough know that I suffer from anxiety and depression and have done so for a long, long time. Like my blog, it comes and goes. But lately it has been really holding me back from doing things that I want to do, like my blog. From doing Me.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I take a lot of work upon myself. And truly, I put more pressure and workload upon myself than necessary and it really took its toll on me. Throughout the college year I filled every waking minute with readings and assignment work that wasn't due for weeks. I didn't let myself chill out. I would feel guilty for heading to the SU to a pub quiz for a couple of hours. I couldn't let go. I couldn't relax.
I'm still working on it.

When the weekend hits, I have a part-time job. Jobs are great for independence but I found it hard to catch up with myself. I didn't give myself the time or the breathing space to do so.

I have not gotten a grip on things completely yet, I am still finding my way and the balance that works for me. But I have been taking what I feel are the relevant steps towards a happier, healthier balance in my life. My first year in college has been a major learning curve for me that I will not forget. I am a firm believer in learning from your mistakes and life experiences, and what a lesson this year has been.

I decided to avail of the counselling service in college and I honestly wish I had thought of it sooner. It is a bloody godsend. Talking to someone who actually knows what they are talking about is such a comfort and makes me feel much more confident. Having a good support system, be it your family, friends or significant other, is also a huge plus and I don't know where I would be without the support I have been given.

Outside of counselling I have been practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is something that I always thought you had to sit and cross your legs, say UM and go to your happy place. But it isn't. Whenever I get overwhelmed I do my breathing exercises and just observe something specific for 60 seconds. I look at every aspect of this one item in front of me without letting any other thought pass my brain during those 60 seconds. It isn't easy, but it's a great come-down after a panic attack.

I also decided to start a Mood Diary, and I really see the benefits. I am processing my changes in mood and why they happen and where I am when it happens etc. I don't use it every day but when I am going through a really tough slump where my emotions are so tumultuous and confusing, it really pulls me through.

I signed myself up for the Women's Mini Marathon which was good incentive to exercise more. Although I would like to keep in shape, exercise is essential for your mental health. It also releases so many fantastic chemicals which give you that feel-good factor that you just don't get from laying in bed with chocolate.

Something small that I have begun is taking care of myself physically. The small things like cleaning my face every night, moisturizing and exfoliating regularly. Brushing my teeth at least twice if not three times a day. Its the little things that can sometimes slip out of routine, and before you know it you don't remember the last time you didn't wake up with the imprint of your eyebrow on the pillow. It's the simple things that make you feel worth it. 

If I were to pick out the biggest struggle that I have had with regard to my blog and its up-keep, it would be the battle of College VS Blog. College evidently won. But I don't think it was in a healthy way. I think college took over a lot of things in my life and shut many creative doors in my life. Now that it is summertime and I am looking back on my year in college, I am throwing all doors open and leaving the college one ajar. I will return. But it's out of the picture for now. 

I did first year all wrong. I spent nights of my freshers week in the library until 12 o'clock. I didn't let myself experience the joys of only needing to pass. It's first year. They expect you to fuck up. And they are much more forgiving than you'd think, once you talk to the right people. I'm not saying be a fuck-up and do no work. If studying and getting great results makes you happy, then go ahead. But if you're like me and you work yourself silly and just stress yourself out, stop making yourself miserable. Its not worth it. 

My main aims and goals going into second year of college is to put my shift in with regards college work and assignments, but to then disconnect from it. Once I learn how to disconnect from it I can learn to reconnect with myself and the people and things that I love. I can blog more, I can join more societies, I can hang out with friends more, I can go for a fecking drink if I feel like it. The work is done, its time for Me! 

So here's to Me doing Me. And here's to you readers, You do You. 

We've got this.

xxx